He doesn't get far. She reaches for him to stop him, hand curling around his wrist to keep him from doing that, from leaving before she's ready for this to be done. She might deserve her privacy, but she won't be able to relax until she knows exactly how much he picked up.
"Not yet. I'm not- You didn't know, you said. I can't really hold something you didn't know what was happening against you."
It's not sitting well, it's going to take some time to sort through, but she isn't angry. She's not hurt, doesn't consider it an invasion when he didn't mean to. When he's clearly struggling with it now. She realizes after a moment she's still holding onto him, so she lets go and puts her hand safely in her lap.
His eyes widen a little when she grasps his wrist, and he looks down at it
before he looks back at her. Her emotions move fluidly from one to the
other, her thoughts not tumbling so much as crashing into the next roll of
waves. She's high-strung and he can feel it, now, and it's like an echo of
his own continuous stress.
He listens to her, too, through everything she's feeling, and sits
down a few seats away from her. He can't be too close right now.
"It wasn't a lot," he says, needing her to know. "Just-- echoes."
It means a lot to her that he stays, that he went to all this trouble to tell her so soon. If he had left it, never told her, there might have been no repairing the damage that would have done, and her stomach drops a little when she thinks of that.
Echoes, he says, and she frowns in concentration as she thinks of what those echoes would have been in the Enclosure. Good things, she thinks. Concern and caring. Nothing he hadn't shown her when he had led her back to his room and away from a confrontation with Kylo Ren.
"I wouldn't have done anything differently if I had known you could... feel what I did," she says, the words a little spaced out while she tries to put her feelings now into an order that makes sense. "Or hear what I thought, or whatever happened. So I guess it just becomes a question of whether or not you're angry about it."
About her compassion, about how deeply she'd come to care for him, about how accepting she is of that. That part surprises even her, so she won't be entirely shocked if it something he doesn't like.
He pulls in a breath as he tries to sort it all out. He's careful with everyone, because it pays to do so, but he wants to be careful here especially. So he's slow to reply, as he picks through whatever she's feeling.
"I'm not angry," he starts of with, going to rest both his hands on his knees, for lack of anywhere else to put them. "You were... kinder than I expected. Than I would have expected from anyone."
"Whatever is happening now, the powers everyone is getting, I never did. I can't- pick up on anything. I guess it misses some people."
It seems important that he knows that, that he knows his privacy is still his. The fact that hers isn't doesn't sit well with her and that may never change, but it's like an itch that she can't scratch more than any ripping, gnawing pain. Something she can handle, because what exactly is the alternative here?
"What you heard from me," she glances over at him as she starts up again, concerned and a little self-conscious because she knows the level of affection that was there, she remembers the feeling of his stubble on her lips, but she looks at him and doesn't flinch away from any of it. "If it bothered you, I need to know."
Being mad and being uncomfortable with it are two different things.
He feels relief at that, and he knows it's unfair-- but it's good that there's someone on the ship he can think around and not have to worry they'll know every little detail about his life.
(But if he thinks a little closer on it, he'll find that he wouldn't mind as much. Not when it's her. But that's something for later.)
He shakes his head immediately, through the unpacking of her concern and lingering affection. "It didn't bother me. I just- don't understand."
It doesn't seem that complicated to Rey, but maybe that's why it's so confusing for Tommy.
"I don't really know if I can explain it," she admits, and that's a little terrifying and comforting all at once, somehow. "I just... there aren't many people I care about, and you're my friend. I couldn't just sit there."
That sounds kind of horrible, considering the context, but it only takes one glance to see that isn't how he means it to be taken. He isn't accusing her of anything, and she actually has a reason. Something she hasn't really let herself think of much since they left the Enclosure.
"I didn't think I could do something like that," she says softly, but now she's looking at the table, not at him. This is hard to admit. "For so long the only person I ever had to care about was me. I was the only person I could take care of because if I didn't, I would die. When I first got here I had to force myself to put my hand on someone's shoulder when they were upset, I assumed that was as far as I'd ever make it. I didn't think it was possible for me to..."
Trust that much. Care enough to fight tooth and nail against a better nature that had been in place since she was five years old.
He makes a soft, uncertain sound- and suddenly she might imagine the way he'd looked when he'd calmed down, in the Enclosure, had they been able to see one another. He looks a little lost, unsure of himself in a way Tommy Shelby almost never is.
He honestly doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how he became the man who did that for her, who she cares enough for now to change that instinct.
Even now she wants to do something to help him, but he had sat down so far away that she has to believe he had done it on purpose so reaching out for him now would probably not be welcome.
She reaches for the bottle whiskey instead, for his glass, and fills that up for him and places it in front of him. That's something, helpful but not intrusive, and it has to be enough for now.
It breaks the tension a little, at least, and he huffs a soft laugh as he
looks at the glass. He doesn't reach out for it just yet, though.
"I don't know what I did that you want to be there for me-- like that," he
says, slowly. "But... thank you." That seems to be the right reaction,
right?
That's a start at least, that little laugh, and it lifts Rey's spirits a little as well. When he thanks her its easier to nod than say it's not necessary and invalidate him saying it, but it does seem like a weird thing to accept.
Thank you for not being cold? Thank you for fighting through years of selfishness to support him when she had no idea what she was doing? There's nothing negative to what she's feeling now, just a lot of lingering uncertainty.
"I don't think it was any one thing, Tommy. Over time you became my friend." She can't say for sure if she would have done that for just anyone, but there are a few people who would make the list. "And... You would have done the same for me. You did, once."
"Thank you for telling me that," she says at once, because now she realizes she hadn't actually done that yet. That can't stand, not when it means everything to her.
There's still a lot of space between them, she really had intended to leave it there, respect that, but- she has to slide closer, not right next to him but closer on the couch so she can put her hand over his where it's been pressing into his knee.
"As far as I'm concerned, everything is okay between us."
He tries not to pull in a breath, tries not to react like that does something, like that means something. He spends more than enough time with Furiosa that it isn't like he never spends time with women, like he never touches women. But this isn't the same thing.
He doesn't know why, but it's not the same thing.
He's suddenly grateful that the flood didn't affect her, because he can work on keeping his face neutral as he looks at her hand, but he wouldn't have been able to hide his confusion, nor the quick spike of joy and affection. When he realizes he should've reacted already, he reaches over with his other hand to cover hers.
"Good," he says, firmly. "I'd've been disappointed if it wasn't."
She wants to say she would have been too, but it's a little redundant after everything else she's said. The impulse she does give into is turning her hand in Tommy's, flipping it over and linking their fingers together. She's not sure why she needs that, why she wants to feel the warmth of his palm against hers if even for a second, but it's something she wants and she'll take her hand away before it becomes too much.
It's just so new, enjoying the feeling of someone touching her instead of wanting to immediately shake them off. It's something she wants to treasure, to burn into her memory just in case it never happens again.
If she had been affected, perhaps he could have been glad for it-- because she might have helped him make sense of why his heart is suddenly beating in his throat, why he feels scared as well as happy. But she's linking their fingers together, and the moment seems to stretch on and on as he slowly rubs his thumb over over her finger.
He thinks something impossible will roll out if he opens his mouth: so he doesn't.
Maybe if she was thinking consciously about how he can understand either the way she feels or what she's thinking, or maybe both, she's still not sure, maybe it would have her trying to do something to censor herself a little better, to tamp down the things she's feeling about all of this. It would be the nice thing to do, but she's captivated by something so simple as his thumb on her skin and it's distracting her from trying to keep herself to... well, herself.
She's smiling just a little at the wonder of it, of her hand caught between his, and how something so small can mean so much, that she doesn't even notice that there's been a lot of time passing by without them talking. When she finally speaks up, she feels a little like she's under some sort of spell.
"I do have a way with words," he says, but even if the words are supposed to sound humorous his voice only has the barest tinge of humor. He squeezes her hand, softly, and then finally risks looking at her again.
He can see it in her face, whatever he's feeling from her now. Wonder, happiness, disbelief. Part of him wants to warn her, not to get too close, because he'll inevitably hurt her-- but then he won't get to see that look again, won't get to feel her like this. So he shuts his mouth, once more.
And she laughs, softly, because the humor might barely come across but it does, and suddenly there are tears in her eyes that are only there because she's so relieved they aren't broken. He's become such an important connection to her that she knows it's dangerous to want to keep it and she's decided to take that risk all the same.
"I'm glad you're here, Tommy," she says as she wipes at her eyes quickly, letting her hair fall into her face to hide the motion the best she can.
Oh. He doesn't need it, does he? Not when her face is this open, when this can move her to tears. He lets go of her hands, but only for as long as it takes to wrap an arm around her shoulders, to pull her in like she'd pulled him in when he needed it just yesterday.
"I'm glad you're here too, Rey." If only because it gets her away from the desert, from her friends in pain, from having to fight for her life.
That surprises her and her instincts almost win out, she almost pulls back, but it's Tommy and the urge the flee spikes and fades so fast that there's only a moment of tension in her before she lets herself lean into him a little.
It's very different, doing this when no one is sad or hurting or afraid. All the other hugs she's been party to have come in the wake of telling someone Han Solo is dead, or being relieved that she hadn't been forgotten one more time when Finn and Han and Chewbacca had come for her. And then, of course, there's Tommy, and that hug certainly had not been a response to anything happy or pleasant.
It's never just been like this, something simple and sweet. The sense of wonder comes flooding back as she lets her head lay against his shoulder, as she finally reciprocates by putting her arms around him and resting her hands on his back. She sees why people do this now, why it's something they would seek out.
It surprises him, despite everything. The surge of her emotions, for one, but the mere fact that she's letting him do this. That she's putting her arms around him and just resting against him, as she settles into the pleasant feeling of being held.
He sighs softly and pillows his chin on the top of her head, thumb rubbing small circles into the bare skin of her shoulder. He is suddenly intensely glad for the year he's spent here, for the time that's allowed him to become the kind of man who can do this.
It's like a gift, honestly, and she never had anyone to teach her that refusing a gift was considered rude but she knows it all the same. She knows she wouldn't ever want to really reject this, something so simple and sweet as a hug that exists for no other reason than to show he's there for her in a way no one ever has been before.
When the hug goes on, she finds she's okay with that. Her hands bunch up in his jacket and she closes her eyes and really lets it all sink in, committing this to memory just like she had the way he'd been touching her hand.
This is undoubtedly better, she thinks absently, and when he sighs she echoes him and lets herself relax into him even more. She's been so tired lately, all of the stress and fear have run her down and given her nightmares of her own, and this is the first time she's felt real peace in weeks.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 08:19 am (UTC)"Not yet. I'm not- You didn't know, you said. I can't really hold something you didn't know what was happening against you."
It's not sitting well, it's going to take some time to sort through, but she isn't angry. She's not hurt, doesn't consider it an invasion when he didn't mean to. When he's clearly struggling with it now. She realizes after a moment she's still holding onto him, so she lets go and puts her hand safely in her lap.
"Will you sit down?"
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 08:23 am (UTC)His eyes widen a little when she grasps his wrist, and he looks down at it before he looks back at her. Her emotions move fluidly from one to the other, her thoughts not tumbling so much as crashing into the next roll of waves. She's high-strung and he can feel it, now, and it's like an echo of his own continuous stress.
He listens to her, too, through everything she's feeling, and sits down a few seats away from her. He can't be too close right now.
"It wasn't a lot," he says, needing her to know. "Just-- echoes."
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 08:36 am (UTC)Echoes, he says, and she frowns in concentration as she thinks of what those echoes would have been in the Enclosure. Good things, she thinks. Concern and caring. Nothing he hadn't shown her when he had led her back to his room and away from a confrontation with Kylo Ren.
"I wouldn't have done anything differently if I had known you could... feel what I did," she says, the words a little spaced out while she tries to put her feelings now into an order that makes sense. "Or hear what I thought, or whatever happened. So I guess it just becomes a question of whether or not you're angry about it."
About her compassion, about how deeply she'd come to care for him, about how accepting she is of that. That part surprises even her, so she won't be entirely shocked if it something he doesn't like.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 08:42 am (UTC)"I'm not angry," he starts of with, going to rest both his hands on his knees, for lack of anywhere else to put them. "You were... kinder than I expected. Than I would have expected from anyone."
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 08:52 am (UTC)It seems important that he knows that, that he knows his privacy is still his. The fact that hers isn't doesn't sit well with her and that may never change, but it's like an itch that she can't scratch more than any ripping, gnawing pain. Something she can handle, because what exactly is the alternative here?
"What you heard from me," she glances over at him as she starts up again, concerned and a little self-conscious because she knows the level of affection that was there, she remembers the feeling of his stubble on her lips, but she looks at him and doesn't flinch away from any of it. "If it bothered you, I need to know."
Being mad and being uncomfortable with it are two different things.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 09:04 am (UTC)(But if he thinks a little closer on it, he'll find that he wouldn't mind as much. Not when it's her. But that's something for later.)
He shakes his head immediately, through the unpacking of her concern and lingering affection. "It didn't bother me. I just- don't understand."
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 09:16 am (UTC)"I don't really know if I can explain it," she admits, and that's a little terrifying and comforting all at once, somehow. "I just... there aren't many people I care about, and you're my friend. I couldn't just sit there."
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 05:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 05:18 pm (UTC)"I didn't think I could do something like that," she says softly, but now she's looking at the table, not at him. This is hard to admit. "For so long the only person I ever had to care about was me. I was the only person I could take care of because if I didn't, I would die. When I first got here I had to force myself to put my hand on someone's shoulder when they were upset, I assumed that was as far as I'd ever make it. I didn't think it was possible for me to..."
Trust that much. Care enough to fight tooth and nail against a better nature that had been in place since she was five years old.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 05:45 pm (UTC)He makes a soft, uncertain sound- and suddenly she might imagine the way he'd looked when he'd calmed down, in the Enclosure, had they been able to see one another. He looks a little lost, unsure of himself in a way Tommy Shelby almost never is.
He honestly doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how he became the man who did that for her, who she cares enough for now to change that instinct.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 05:53 pm (UTC)She reaches for the bottle whiskey instead, for his glass, and fills that up for him and places it in front of him. That's something, helpful but not intrusive, and it has to be enough for now.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 06:03 pm (UTC)It breaks the tension a little, at least, and he huffs a soft laugh as he looks at the glass. He doesn't reach out for it just yet, though.
"I don't know what I did that you want to be there for me-- like that," he says, slowly. "But... thank you." That seems to be the right reaction, right?
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 06:13 pm (UTC)Thank you for not being cold? Thank you for fighting through years of selfishness to support him when she had no idea what she was doing? There's nothing negative to what she's feeling now, just a lot of lingering uncertainty.
"I don't think it was any one thing, Tommy. Over time you became my friend." She can't say for sure if she would have done that for just anyone, but there are a few people who would make the list. "And... You would have done the same for me. You did, once."
When she ran from Kylo Ren.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 09:38 pm (UTC)"You helped," he says, firmly, wanting her to know that for sure, again. "And- you know now. That I felt those things."
So they're good?
no subject
Date: 2016-04-21 09:55 pm (UTC)There's still a lot of space between them, she really had intended to leave it there, respect that, but- she has to slide closer, not right next to him but closer on the couch so she can put her hand over his where it's been pressing into his knee.
"As far as I'm concerned, everything is okay between us."
no subject
Date: 2016-04-22 06:11 am (UTC)He doesn't know why, but it's not the same thing.
He's suddenly grateful that the flood didn't affect her, because he can work on keeping his face neutral as he looks at her hand, but he wouldn't have been able to hide his confusion, nor the quick spike of joy and affection. When he realizes he should've reacted already, he reaches over with his other hand to cover hers.
"Good," he says, firmly. "I'd've been disappointed if it wasn't."
no subject
Date: 2016-04-22 06:22 am (UTC)It's just so new, enjoying the feeling of someone touching her instead of wanting to immediately shake them off. It's something she wants to treasure, to burn into her memory just in case it never happens again.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-22 06:33 am (UTC)He thinks something impossible will roll out if he opens his mouth: so he doesn't.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-22 06:43 am (UTC)She's smiling just a little at the wonder of it, of her hand caught between his, and how something so small can mean so much, that she doesn't even notice that there's been a lot of time passing by without them talking. When she finally speaks up, she feels a little like she's under some sort of spell.
"I never would have let someone do that before."
no subject
Date: 2016-04-22 06:50 am (UTC)He can see it in her face, whatever he's feeling from her now. Wonder, happiness, disbelief. Part of him wants to warn her, not to get too close, because he'll inevitably hurt her-- but then he won't get to see that look again, won't get to feel her like this. So he shuts his mouth, once more.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-22 07:04 am (UTC)"I'm glad you're here, Tommy," she says as she wipes at her eyes quickly, letting her hair fall into her face to hide the motion the best she can.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-22 07:15 am (UTC)"I'm glad you're here too, Rey." If only because it gets her away from the desert, from her friends in pain, from having to fight for her life.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-22 07:27 am (UTC)It's very different, doing this when no one is sad or hurting or afraid. All the other hugs she's been party to have come in the wake of telling someone Han Solo is dead, or being relieved that she hadn't been forgotten one more time when Finn and Han and Chewbacca had come for her. And then, of course, there's Tommy, and that hug certainly had not been a response to anything happy or pleasant.
It's never just been like this, something simple and sweet. The sense of wonder comes flooding back as she lets her head lay against his shoulder, as she finally reciprocates by putting her arms around him and resting her hands on his back. She sees why people do this now, why it's something they would seek out.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-22 07:36 am (UTC)He sighs softly and pillows his chin on the top of her head, thumb rubbing small circles into the bare skin of her shoulder. He is suddenly intensely glad for the year he's spent here, for the time that's allowed him to become the kind of man who can do this.
no subject
Date: 2016-04-22 07:54 am (UTC)When the hug goes on, she finds she's okay with that. Her hands bunch up in his jacket and she closes her eyes and really lets it all sink in, committing this to memory just like she had the way he'd been touching her hand.
This is undoubtedly better, she thinks absently, and when he sighs she echoes him and lets herself relax into him even more. She's been so tired lately, all of the stress and fear have run her down and given her nightmares of her own, and this is the first time she's felt real peace in weeks.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: