It steals the breath from his lungs, the way she's looking at him, the things she's saying. Tommy doesn't give physical comfort freely, but he's used to it, knows how to give it and doesn't exactly notice when it's being given.
But with her, there has always been more of a realization about it: that she isn't as used to touch, that she has to think about ways to give it out instead of doing it mindlessly.
And then there is the fact that he wants to touch her, and to be touched by her, apparently as much as she does. It's a realization that he doesn't know what to do with at first, and it shows in his silence, in the way his hand briefly stills on her neck-- but doesn't pull away.
"I'm not like this with everyone," he finally says, his voice soft and low again, as his thumb starts back up rubbing at her neck. "You know that, yeah?"
It's the fact that she feels fear, real fear, settling cold in her stomach and making her feel numb again that makes her realize just how much she does feel for Tommy. The rejection she expects when his hand stops doesn't come, it's just his voice gentle and, she thinks, maybe a little hopeful.
But maybe not. She doesn't want to guess anything, can't assume anything, not when she isn't even sure what all of this means. She likes it when he touches her and he knows it, she likes being with him and he knows it, and now she knows that in the same way he sees a side of her no one else does, no one else gets to be like this with him.
"I know," she answers him softly, hand reaching up to where his is on her neck so she can slip her fingers between his, link their hands together on the back of her neck because she can't reach him any other way right now. "I thought that the person I was during the breach, I could never be that. I wouldn't ever find a way to be that happy, that open. She was capable of caring so much, and I knew I wasn't like that. That's why I told you I'd never be that person."
And she'd meant it, and she still does. She still isn't sure she can ever turn out like that, but...
"But I can see how it happened now. I can see how she changed, and it was thanks to the man you were."
He shifts, almost imperceptibly, until he can lean forward enough to rest his forehead against their intertwined fingers. He feels breathless with it, with the enormity of what she's saying, with the implications of it all for him, and for them.
He hasn't wanted to be this close to someone since Grace, and she had seemed like a mountain he would never be able to scale. And now there is Rey, who is whispering to him it was thanks to the man you were, and telling him in as many words that she is learning to care because of the man he is.
"There is nothing about you that I'd see changed," he murmurs, so close to her ear now.
His forehead against their hands, the soft way he speaks to her, what he says, it's all so much it makes it impossible to bear doing this without facing him. She wants to put her arms around him properly, she wants to see his face, she wants to-
But he had made such a fuss about her shirt being off, and that makes a little more sense now, so she reaches for it and spreads it over her chest to cover her in the most basic way possible before she turns so she can face him, bringing their hands down and not quite letting go and then feeling just a little lost once she can see him.
She wants to say something, she probably should say something after all of that, but what words are there for anything she's feeling right now? He'd moved close enough that it's easiest to just lean forward and put her arm around his neck, to pull herself close enough that the shirt covering her gets trapped between their chests and stays exactly where it needs to be so she can put her other arm around his waist.
And it says a lot that this, hugging him like this is easier for her than finding the words to explain what she feels. Somehow, with him, showing her affection is easier than speaking. She curls into him just a little more, runs a hand up the back of his neck to hold him close much like she had when they were in the Enclosure.
He can't even trust himself to move when she turns around, for fear of doing something she doesn't want, or isn't ready for yet. He stays still, holding his breath, until she's settled comfortably against his chest. He can still faintly smell the ointment on her bruised back, but that's the only element of reality that's still filtering through.
He feels like they're in a bubble right now, and it's so pleasant to just be with someone like this. He puts one hand on her shoulder, the other on top of her head, and holds her like that-- and lets himself be held like that. After a few seconds of silent comfort, he shifts to press his lips against her temple, just the once.
She lets out a heavy sigh when she feels him kiss the side of her head, when there's only acceptance and affection in everything he does, and it's a sigh that blatantly telegraphs how content she is with him. How happy she is despite everything, even with Han on the mend and people she respects thinking the worst of her.
It all matters less, hurts less, with Tommy's arms around her.
And there are things that make more sense now. The way he has looked at her while they danced at Lark's, the way they were able to talk about the breach, it all points to him figuring this out before she ever did and she can't help feeling a little foolish for not seeing it before now.
"Will you stay?" She asks him softly, lifting her head up so she can look up at him without moving any more than she has to. "More people will come eventually and I really just want this right now."
Something has shifted between them and he knows it: he just isn't sure yet of the extent of it. If he were he may have leaned down, may have tipped her chin up and pressed their lips together, as if giving her a declaration of intent: yes, he'll stay, in more ways than she knows.
But there is also her bruised back, and her fear of people coming back to reproach her, and it's not the time. He is more than happy to hold her, keep her company.
"I'll stay," he murmurs, rubbing his fingertips against her scalp a little to make her smile. "I'll stay until you tell me to go."
And she does smile, easy and unburdened and entirely because of him. Her eyes even drift closed for a second while she enjoys that, while she leans into his touch like a satisfied cat.
But then he finishes up with that and she opens her eyes again, is still smiling when she moves her hand up to press her palm to his cheek.
"If that were the case you might be stuck here for days."
Like she'd leaned into his touch, he leans into hers now. He looks softer like this, int he low light of the Falcon, his eyes crinkling just slightly at the corners.
Her thumb rubs absently against the skin of his cheek and she can't look away from him now, how peaceful he looks, how happy. He's like a mirror of how she feels and honestly, the more time they spend this close the less locking herself in her room with him feels like a joke. That could actually be something she would want to do.
He smiles, just slightly, and leans forward to rest his forehead against hers. Like this, it's as close to a kiss as he can get without doing it- when that doesn't feel right, not yet, when he suspects she may only just have realized how he feels about her.
This way, he can close his eyes and feel her against him, breathe her in and rest with her. It's comforting when he didn't even know he'd needed it.
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branchandroot
no subject
Date: 2016-05-09 07:18 am (UTC)It steals the breath from his lungs, the way she's looking at him, the things she's saying. Tommy doesn't give physical comfort freely, but he's used to it, knows how to give it and doesn't exactly notice when it's being given.
But with her, there has always been more of a realization about it: that she isn't as used to touch, that she has to think about ways to give it out instead of doing it mindlessly.
And then there is the fact that he wants to touch her, and to be touched by her, apparently as much as she does. It's a realization that he doesn't know what to do with at first, and it shows in his silence, in the way his hand briefly stills on her neck-- but doesn't pull away.
"I'm not like this with everyone," he finally says, his voice soft and low again, as his thumb starts back up rubbing at her neck. "You know that, yeah?"
no subject
Date: 2016-05-09 07:47 am (UTC)But maybe not. She doesn't want to guess anything, can't assume anything, not when she isn't even sure what all of this means. She likes it when he touches her and he knows it, she likes being with him and he knows it, and now she knows that in the same way he sees a side of her no one else does, no one else gets to be like this with him.
"I know," she answers him softly, hand reaching up to where his is on her neck so she can slip her fingers between his, link their hands together on the back of her neck because she can't reach him any other way right now. "I thought that the person I was during the breach, I could never be that. I wouldn't ever find a way to be that happy, that open. She was capable of caring so much, and I knew I wasn't like that. That's why I told you I'd never be that person."
And she'd meant it, and she still does. She still isn't sure she can ever turn out like that, but...
"But I can see how it happened now. I can see how she changed, and it was thanks to the man you were."
no subject
Date: 2016-05-09 03:58 pm (UTC)He hasn't wanted to be this close to someone since Grace, and she had seemed like a mountain he would never be able to scale. And now there is Rey, who is whispering to him it was thanks to the man you were, and telling him in as many words that she is learning to care because of the man he is.
"There is nothing about you that I'd see changed," he murmurs, so close to her ear now.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-09 04:29 pm (UTC)But he had made such a fuss about her shirt being off, and that makes a little more sense now, so she reaches for it and spreads it over her chest to cover her in the most basic way possible before she turns so she can face him, bringing their hands down and not quite letting go and then feeling just a little lost once she can see him.
She wants to say something, she probably should say something after all of that, but what words are there for anything she's feeling right now? He'd moved close enough that it's easiest to just lean forward and put her arm around his neck, to pull herself close enough that the shirt covering her gets trapped between their chests and stays exactly where it needs to be so she can put her other arm around his waist.
And it says a lot that this, hugging him like this is easier for her than finding the words to explain what she feels. Somehow, with him, showing her affection is easier than speaking. She curls into him just a little more, runs a hand up the back of his neck to hold him close much like she had when they were in the Enclosure.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-10 06:02 am (UTC)He can't even trust himself to move when she turns around, for fear of doing something she doesn't want, or isn't ready for yet. He stays still, holding his breath, until she's settled comfortably against his chest. He can still faintly smell the ointment on her bruised back, but that's the only element of reality that's still filtering through.
He feels like they're in a bubble right now, and it's so pleasant to just be with someone like this. He puts one hand on her shoulder, the other on top of her head, and holds her like that-- and lets himself be held like that. After a few seconds of silent comfort, he shifts to press his lips against her temple, just the once.
no subject
Date: 2016-05-10 06:27 am (UTC)It all matters less, hurts less, with Tommy's arms around her.
And there are things that make more sense now. The way he has looked at her while they danced at Lark's, the way they were able to talk about the breach, it all points to him figuring this out before she ever did and she can't help feeling a little foolish for not seeing it before now.
"Will you stay?" She asks him softly, lifting her head up so she can look up at him without moving any more than she has to. "More people will come eventually and I really just want this right now."
no subject
Date: 2016-05-10 06:35 am (UTC)Something has shifted between them and he knows it: he just isn't sure yet of the extent of it. If he were he may have leaned down, may have tipped her chin up and pressed their lips together, as if giving her a declaration of intent: yes, he'll stay, in more ways than she knows.
But there is also her bruised back, and her fear of people coming back to reproach her, and it's not the time. He is more than happy to hold her, keep her company.
"I'll stay," he murmurs, rubbing his fingertips against her scalp a little to make her smile. "I'll stay until you tell me to go."
no subject
Date: 2016-05-10 06:55 am (UTC)But then he finishes up with that and she opens her eyes again, is still smiling when she moves her hand up to press her palm to his cheek.
"If that were the case you might be stuck here for days."
no subject
Date: 2016-05-10 07:55 am (UTC)"Well, we didn't stock up for nothing, Rey. Eh?"
no subject
Date: 2016-05-10 08:11 am (UTC)"And you brought that cream. We're set, I'd say."
no subject
Date: 2016-05-10 08:36 am (UTC)This way, he can close his eyes and feel her against him, breathe her in and rest with her. It's comforting when he didn't even know he'd needed it.