[It's only after this message comes in that Rey realizes she should have expected it, that there was no way Arthur could have ever resisted touching base after her poor showing in the arenas. She understands from a mechanics standpoint after everything he's shown her that he'd think he would have to check on her, but what makes no sense is why he'd get to the point of typing out a message and not remember that she essentially hung up on him last time.
So why bother now?]
Do you get some kind of thrill out of asking people who don't open up to other people to open up to you?
[ He'd gone in expecting this kind of response. Knew she'd put up defenses and shields and verbally level a knife towards his person. Because she's built herself, trusted no one.
Arthur gets it. ]
Look, you can hang up on me or whatever again if you want. No judgment.
But you died. That leaves a mark.
[ It's something he's only done in dreams, but the pain carries over. It feels real and he can't say the first hundred times weren't traumatizing. ]
[After last time she hadn't really expected being unfriendly to really work, so this time she tries something else.
But it's not malicious, and she isn't trying to hurt him. It's just that she can't do this with them being so unbalanced, with him asking her to open up while he gets to keep his own heart close, his cards played close to his chest.
So she tests him, because what else can she do?]
Tell me something difficult you've gone through, something that almost broke you. Maybe we'll be on even ground then.
[ For a little bit, he stares at the message, frowning. Not because he doesn't want to answer, no, but it's dredged up the muck he keeps buried. All that shit he kept in line while dealing with Cobb and the Fischer job. And before that, year's of dreamshare mishaps, those horrible deaths, some slow, others quick (but painful). In some ways, he counts it as a blessing that he doesn't dream naturally anymore.
Still, this is something like progress. She's right, he hasn't shown any of his cards and that feels unfair. Imbalanced.
He doesn't respond via text; it doesn't convey nearly as much. ]
I had this friend, Mallorie. She was really a best friend and she got married to another friend, Dom. I was the best man at their wedding, at the hospital when she gave birth, both times. They were the happiest people I'd ever known in my life.
[ This feels unreal, like he's talking about someone else. Someone from a lifetime ago. ]
On their seventh anniversary, she jumped from the tenth story window at a hotel. She didn't think our world was real.
[There are some things in what he says that Rey doesn't understand simply because she lacks the context, but the weight of what he tells her, in his own voice rather than over text, doesn't take context to understand, to relate to.
He tells her about loss. What has her entire life been if not one long exercise in loss?]
I'm sorry, Arthur. Losing anyone in any way is painful enough, but that...
[ Talking about it is supposed to help, isn't it? Except it just feels like he's standing in the Cobbs' living room again, Mal with her hand on his cheek, saying I miss you, as if he were something she dreamed up.
There's no use in reliving it. She's not coming back, didn't have some BCE to make her jump a fairytale like she wanted to think it was. ]
I've lost a lot of people, but I miss her the most. Just wish she could see her kids, how big they've gotten—
[Stars, he's putting so much out there now that she's asked him to that she wants to take it back, to physically put her hands over his mouth so he'll stop. It's terrifying that he's willing to do this, terrifying that she's asked him to, and all because all she wants is some sort of a connection to anyone who will reach back to her and not betray her in some way later.
Or die.
And now he is, and she knows that a part of her has already let Arthur in as easily as she let Poe slip in past her defenses. The worst part is she's glad.]
Don't apologize. [She says this firmly, but there's a warmth in her tone that hasn't ever been there before.] You don't have to apologize for missing the people you've lost. I've- I never had anyone my whole life and when I finally did, I lost them too. No one should expect us to apologize for not letting them go.
[ He's having a hard time setting this aside now that it's been brought up. Arthur almost misses the warmth in Rey's response, opening his mouth to retort with something caustic. But he doesn't miss it completely, registering a moment after the fact.
It's weird, he barely knows her and she's still extending some kind of courtesy. No, kindness. After all she's been through; growing up alone and losing people. ]
I'm sorry. For the people you've lost, I mean. It never gets any easier.
[ Losing Mal was the hardest, but in a career like dreamshare, he's seen a lot of death. Some people had even been friends. Extractors, chemists, forgers, architects, even other points. The sharp loss of good people to dreaming their lives away. He reaches in his pocket, curls a hand around the red die there and holds tight. ]
My parents sold me when I was a child. For drinking money.
[Maybe it's dying, or maybe it's because they're already sharing impossibly painful things. Maybe it's because this is a pain that's still so fresh it's eating her alive, and maybe it's just that she's still got a regrettable amount of faith to put in people.
Maybe she's just so, so tired of being lonely.
Whatever the reason that comes out, her voice small and tight because tears are threatening to come, and once the words are out she doesn't want to take them back.]
After that, the only people who showed an interest in me were people who wanted to trick me into trusting them so they could take something from me. That's been true my entire life and it only changed days before I ended up here, with COST.
I don't- it isn't personal when I push you away. I'm just trying to protect myself. That's all I've ever known.
[ What does someone even say to something like this? Arthur has a hard enough time dealing with death, grief and all its trappings. But this is different, a kind of hurt that comes from feeling unwanted and unloved. He might not have gotten along with his parents, but they still wanted him.
(Even if they don't know what he does, now. It's better they don't know). ]
No, I get it. I'm not holding it against you, honest. Even without knowing–
[ All of this. ]
–it's fine, I understand. And if you need to keep me at an arms length, I'm not gonna get pissed.
[ Hell, he does that to half the people he meets. ] Or if you want me to fuck off with the checking in, I will. Call it stupid, but I guess I just wanted to let you know someone gives a shit in all this mess.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
So why bother now?]
Do you get some kind of thrill out of asking people who don't open up to other people to open up to you?
no subject
Arthur gets it. ]
Look, you can hang up on me or whatever again if you want. No judgment.
But you died. That leaves a mark.
[ It's something he's only done in dreams, but the pain carries over. It feels real and he can't say the first hundred times weren't traumatizing. ]
no subject
But it's not malicious, and she isn't trying to hurt him. It's just that she can't do this with them being so unbalanced, with him asking her to open up while he gets to keep his own heart close, his cards played close to his chest.
So she tests him, because what else can she do?]
Tell me something difficult you've gone through, something that almost broke you. Maybe we'll be on even ground then.
no subject
Still, this is something like progress. She's right, he hasn't shown any of his cards and that feels unfair. Imbalanced.
He doesn't respond via text; it doesn't convey nearly as much. ]
I had this friend, Mallorie. She was really a best friend and she got married to another friend, Dom. I was the best man at their wedding, at the hospital when she gave birth, both times. They were the happiest people I'd ever known in my life.
[ This feels unreal, like he's talking about someone else. Someone from a lifetime ago. ]
On their seventh anniversary, she jumped from the tenth story window at a hotel. She didn't think our world was real.
no subject
He tells her about loss. What has her entire life been if not one long exercise in loss?]
I'm sorry, Arthur. Losing anyone in any way is painful enough, but that...
[That's on an entirely different level.]
no subject
There's no use in reliving it. She's not coming back, didn't have some BCE to make her jump a fairytale like she wanted to think it was. ]
I've lost a lot of people, but I miss her the most. Just wish she could see her kids, how big they've gotten—
[ He cuts off, takes a deep breath. Move on. ]
Sorry. You're doing alright then?
no subject
Or die.
And now he is, and she knows that a part of her has already let Arthur in as easily as she let Poe slip in past her defenses. The worst part is she's glad.]
Don't apologize. [She says this firmly, but there's a warmth in her tone that hasn't ever been there before.] You don't have to apologize for missing the people you've lost. I've- I never had anyone my whole life and when I finally did, I lost them too. No one should expect us to apologize for not letting them go.
no subject
It's weird, he barely knows her and she's still extending some kind of courtesy. No, kindness. After all she's been through; growing up alone and losing people. ]
I'm sorry. For the people you've lost, I mean. It never gets any easier.
[ Losing Mal was the hardest, but in a career like dreamshare, he's seen a lot of death. Some people had even been friends. Extractors, chemists, forgers, architects, even other points. The sharp loss of good people to dreaming their lives away. He reaches in his pocket, curls a hand around the red die there and holds tight. ]
no subject
[Maybe it's dying, or maybe it's because they're already sharing impossibly painful things. Maybe it's because this is a pain that's still so fresh it's eating her alive, and maybe it's just that she's still got a regrettable amount of faith to put in people.
Maybe she's just so, so tired of being lonely.
Whatever the reason that comes out, her voice small and tight because tears are threatening to come, and once the words are out she doesn't want to take them back.]
After that, the only people who showed an interest in me were people who wanted to trick me into trusting them so they could take something from me. That's been true my entire life and it only changed days before I ended up here, with COST.
I don't- it isn't personal when I push you away. I'm just trying to protect myself. That's all I've ever known.
no subject
(Even if they don't know what he does, now. It's better they don't know). ]
No, I get it. I'm not holding it against you, honest. Even without knowing–
[ All of this. ]
–it's fine, I understand. And if you need to keep me at an arms length, I'm not gonna get pissed.
[ Hell, he does that to half the people he meets. ] Or if you want me to fuck off with the checking in, I will. Call it stupid, but I guess I just wanted to let you know someone gives a shit in all this mess.