[He can't quite bring himself to speak to or see her, but the knowledge that she came to visit makes all of this more confusing and uncomfortable and unsettling.
Why he can't seem to shake her is beyond him, but he's really starting to hate how this whole sentimentality thing just creeps in and strangles you.]
[She absolutely did not go to see him, and when she was in the infirmary it was nothing near a visit. Those things would require that she stay until he was a awake, perhaps, or even want him to know she was there.
She had just needed to see him half dead again, struck down by an entirely ordinary man, so that she could let go of the last of her dear of him. To make him nothing to her, once and for all, except something that needed to be fixed before it was returned to Han and Leia.]
[He would hate that, if he could hear her thoughts: he would hate to be relegated to some broken thing that belongs to his parents. If he belongs to anyone, in his mind, it's Snoke.
But Snoke's not here, and he doesn't know what to do about the scavenger.]
[For a long time, no answer comes. She's still so hurt by what happened during the breach, the pain of losing everything in a matter of minutes that she had memories of stretching back years that she has been reacting to everything too strongly, too harshly, before she could stop herself.
She can't just brute force her way through everything, though. She knows, deep down, that acting like this is not helpful. She has to treat him with some kind of compassion and maybe now that she's not going to fear him anymore that can start.
It still seems unlikely, and it's still not really something she wants to do. But for Han, for Leia, and now for Luke, she needs to try.]
I'm tired of being afraid of you. I needed to see you like that so it can stop.
[That leaves him torn: that she was afraid of him is wrong, but that everyone now has no reason to fear him - now that he has no standing at all - that he can't accept easily.
The next time you feel that way, start with not chasing people through the forest, following it up with torture, and then killing people that matter to the people you don't want to fear you.
[At the very least, she won't be by the time she sees him face to face again. But it doesn't feel like a lie, it's not deception when that fear is fading and she knows it's only going to last a few more days if she's terribly unlucky.
Watching him act like a child while talking to Luke gave her an extra push, though, so it might be a matter of hours instead.]
[He should have just said okay bye, but he doesn't know what to make of this, or how much her fear drove her interactions with him. Will they be more now, or less?]
[If only because she doesn't want to admit his presence here has anything to do with how she lives her life or what she feels. But then... well, that's an opening that she can't just ignore, isn't it.]
You think all I want is to kill people. You think I sought him out, you think I tried to kill him.
[LET HIM TELL HER EVERYTHING SHE THINKS. Also it's. kind of true. Harry might have spoken first, but Kylo was so game for violence while running away from Han.]
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Why he can't seem to shake her is beyond him, but he's really starting to hate how this whole sentimentality thing just creeps in and strangles you.]
You came to see me.
[Yes, accusing works so well.]
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She had just needed to see him half dead again, struck down by an entirely ordinary man, so that she could let go of the last of her dear of him. To make him nothing to her, once and for all, except something that needed to be fixed before it was returned to Han and Leia.]
You must be delusional after your death.
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[He would hate that, if he could hear her thoughts: he would hate to be relegated to some broken thing that belongs to his parents. If he belongs to anyone, in his mind, it's Snoke.
But Snoke's not here, and he doesn't know what to do about the scavenger.]
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Because I wanted to see if it was true.
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Why?
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She can't just brute force her way through everything, though. She knows, deep down, that acting like this is not helpful. She has to treat him with some kind of compassion and maybe now that she's not going to fear him anymore that can start.
It still seems unlikely, and it's still not really something she wants to do. But for Han, for Leia, and now for Luke, she needs to try.]
I'm tired of being afraid of you. I needed to see you like that so it can stop.
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But her...]
I never wanted you to be afraid of me.
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You knew those people less than a week. Whatever you thought you knew about him was nothing to the life I lived with him.
[Even if that was probably less than like. Ten years.]
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[He is slightly guilty and glad that can't come through text: apparently, he has blinders when it comes to Han Solo.
Also, fuck Finn, that dude's a traitor.]
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Are you done now? Do you have your answers?
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Because petulant baby.]
Are you still afraid of me?
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[At the very least, she won't be by the time she sees him face to face again. But it doesn't feel like a lie, it's not deception when that fear is fading and she knows it's only going to last a few more days if she's terribly unlucky.
Watching him act like a child while talking to Luke gave her an extra push, though, so it might be a matter of hours instead.]
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What changes?
[He should have just said okay bye, but he doesn't know what to make of this, or how much her fear drove her interactions with him. Will they be more now, or less?]
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[If only because she doesn't want to admit his presence here has anything to do with how she lives her life or what she feels. But then... well, that's an opening that she can't just ignore, isn't it.]
I guess it depends on you.
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Meaning?
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This is the like. Ten seconds before a nuclear explosion.]
Are you blaming me for dying?
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Is that really what you got out of that? Of course I don't blame you, I doubt you WANTED to die.
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You think all I want is to kill people. You think I sought him out, you think I tried to kill him.
[LET HIM TELL HER EVERYTHING SHE THINKS. Also it's. kind of true. Harry might have spoken first, but Kylo was so game for violence while running away from Han.]
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