[After the first flood of concern, Rey had hoped that this sort of thing would stop. She understands why people are concerned, she knows that it's because the people who check how she's doing care about her and she's grown enough from the untrusting person who first arrived here to see that for what it is and appreciate it.
It does mean a lot to her, but for the first time Tommy is a topic that she doesn't want to talk about as often as she's had to lately.]
[There's a very long pause on her end, because that is very true but no one has said it out loud yet, not even her. She's known it since their first talk, she's under no impression that that isn't the case, but it's one thing to know it and another for someone to say it like that.
And she could explain, tell Nina about the son he has now, the wife he lost, but those aren't her secrets to tell.]
Did he tell you it's been four years for him and that he didn't remember anyone here while he was gone?
[And he was an asshole, and she doesn't really care. If anything, that just makes it less surprising: he went back to the place that had made him that way to begin with, and it turned him right back onto it. Sad, horrifying, but it's an explanation -- not an excuse.]
[But she stops herself, because she's so tired of this. Not of Nina or her concern, but of insisting on keeping all of this at arms length. It's exhausting to hold that away, keep it from touching her, and her ability to do that is starting to crack around the edges.]
I miss the man he was.
[She doesn't sound mournful, or like she'll cry over it. She just sounds resigned and tired.]
i am so sorry i really thought i replied to this /o\
[Maybe, if she were a bitter, mean person, Rey would blame Nina for Tommy leaving and coming back the way he did. He had told her about the visions Nina had had as her version of a monster, the warnings about his family's safety, and that had been what prompted him to leave.
But she also knows that Tommy had been wanting to leave before that, and that really, even though Nina had seen the future there was nothing she could have ever done to change it.
She couldn't have stopped Tommy from becoming the man he has any more than Rey could.]
It seems like everyone knew Tommy was like this, had it in him, except for me. The first time we met, he took me to the Enclosure to show me somewhere green and then he taught me how to ride a horse. I knew that he was capable of killing people, but I didn't know he could be this cold.
[Nina doesn't even know what the gamayun saw -- which means, in essence, two versions of her encountered that version of him. She just remembers that flood, and how awful he had been...]
I don't think it would have changed anything, Nina. I love him- [No, that's not right, she corrects it right away.] Loved him, that wouldn't have stopped even if I knew this would happen. I don't think I'd even take it back now that I've seen him like this. Maybe it would be smarter to, but...
[But he meant too much to her to just erase that. She became a better person because of Tommy, a more complete one, and she wouldn't change that.]
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It does mean a lot to her, but for the first time Tommy is a topic that she doesn't want to talk about as often as she's had to lately.]
I don't imagine it went well.
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And he said... [She hesitates.] ...that you are not together anymore.
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And she could explain, tell Nina about the son he has now, the wife he lost, but those aren't her secrets to tell.]
Did he tell you it's been four years for him and that he didn't remember anyone here while he was gone?
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[And he was an asshole, and she doesn't really care. If anything, that just makes it less surprising: he went back to the place that had made him that way to begin with, and it turned him right back onto it. Sad, horrifying, but it's an explanation -- not an excuse.]
How are you doing?
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[But she stops herself, because she's so tired of this. Not of Nina or her concern, but of insisting on keeping all of this at arms length. It's exhausting to hold that away, keep it from touching her, and her ability to do that is starting to crack around the edges.]
I miss the man he was.
[She doesn't sound mournful, or like she'll cry over it. She just sounds resigned and tired.]
i am so sorry i really thought i replied to this /o\
[Who wouldn't? She sighs.]
I... We had a flood once-- some of us became ourselves from the past, some of us from future. I was a nine-year-old for most of it.
And Tommy... while I was still myself, he was like this. Like he is now.
that's okay!!
But she also knows that Tommy had been wanting to leave before that, and that really, even though Nina had seen the future there was nothing she could have ever done to change it.
She couldn't have stopped Tommy from becoming the man he has any more than Rey could.]
It seems like everyone knew Tommy was like this, had it in him, except for me. The first time we met, he took me to the Enclosure to show me somewhere green and then he taught me how to ride a horse. I knew that he was capable of killing people, but I didn't know he could be this cold.
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I knew.
I should have tried harder to tell you.
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[But he meant too much to her to just erase that. She became a better person because of Tommy, a more complete one, and she wouldn't change that.]
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But then it wouldn't be love.
I really hoped it wouldn't happen because of that.